Curl 4 - I'm intense because...
In my previous blog I promised I'd share more of my story. Some of you asked why I'm so intense in my writing. Hope this makes sense. I'm still trying to make sense of all of this. In all honesty, I know nothing. I'm just a willing vessel at this point in my life.
For me, my worst thing was my best thing. The end.
The end of me. Where I just got comfortable. The end of a new friend i just met and wished we got to be friends longer. The end of a milestone. The end of an old friend I thought I could help. An end. Any end.
It always hurt. Like my heart is bleeding and no one can see it; hurt. Sometimes its gushing, sometimes it's dripping. Nevertheless it's bleeding. Like I'm alone and this is the highlight of my life; Hurt. I'm unlovable; hurt. It always felt like I could've done more while I wonder "What more could I have done?" Truth is, whomever I was created to be intensified everytime an end occurred. And everytime an end happened, I wish that end would end sooner than when it started. But no. It took as long as I thought about it as an end.
Like when my childhood ended at 9. I remember the moment it happened. My mom was confronting my molester and he faked chest pains. I felt my heart rate increase and boil as I felt weak and confused of whether I was dreaming or awake while being accused back of causing his pain. My brain was screaming- WHAT?! Is this real life? My silence intensified while my soul screamed for the following 4 years that it kept happening. The end kept repeating and I couldn't wait for it to end. I remember trying other gods, writing about it in a journal, lying to get him out of the house to stop the end because I wasn't done being a kid. There was a key to the end. I just couldn't see where it was.
At 17, I met a cool and smooth kid who always wore a beanie on his head at my high-school. He wore this beanie so much everyone called him "Beanie" but, I never knew his name when we met nor did I think to ask. We talked about football. It was Thanksgiving weekend so the Dallas Cowboys and the Dolphins were playing each other. We simply talked about who we thought was going to win and why. Either I had the gift of prophecy back then or I understood football better than I thought I did, because I was right about who would win. Dolphins won by a landslide! I was so excited to come back to school on Monday to celebrate with him. Only to walk into the saddest hallway in school. Though I didn't know "Beanie's" name, my friends told me who had passed away and where he sat. I came to school that morning only to see him. The way he passed was so sudden, like a Final Destination movie plot, that I didn't know what to think. All I knew was I had to be at his funeral. I barely knew the guy, but I begged my parents to take me. It hurt that I was a pointless conversationalist. I felt like I lacked purpose. His funeral changed the hopelessness I felt, because the end of my depression was about to be met with new life. This was a key offered to me many times, but I refused it because it seemed too simple of a solution. That's far from the truth. It's simple but requires work. Since that day I hope and plan for my funeral to be as amazing as his was. I gave my heart to Christ during the altar call they had. His end on earth showed me a glimpse of the beginning of eternity unaware that I had work to do. Walking out of there I felt Peace and Joy for the first time ever. .
Don't get me wrong, It hurt on all counts.My flesh and the Spirit were in a war. I was comfortable being negative and enjoyed my misery because it got me false attention. I was living a lie about myself to the point where I believed that, that was my reality. It was harder to rewire my mind with the word of God and to stop defaulting to natural, negative, basic, depressed thinking. It was lonely to set my sights above. But I digress. The change was mediocre at best, though slightly more passionate than I was before.
For perspective, ANOTHER major end had to happen. Singlehood! UGH! The worst end! Because I really enjoyed becoming a better version of Stacy Titus. It was easier to walk my talk by this point. On 1/1/11 I gave up on Stacy Titus and became Stacy Harrycharan. This is where the rubber hit the road. As romantic as this change was, it was a covenant level change in the spirit realm. Everything thing I thought marriage would be was false. I realized real quick how Christian I was and almost tore my marriage apart within the first 3 years. The only thing I've been right about in all my years on earth, in marriage, has been about WHEN I would have our kids and WHAT we would name them. The rest have been complete roller coaster rides. The only constant has been the same thing pursuing me from day 1 of my existence. I'm 26 at this point and I was still struggling with "The ends".
It creeps in out of no where. You never know when it's going to happen. When will it be my last hangout with someone? When will it be the last time I lift my kid to the bedroom off the couch? When will it be my last trip to Toys R' us lol? When will it be my parents' last visit to my house? Have I been intentional about me and my life? Who am I in all of this? Am I faking it or faithing it?
When I was 27 an end came that broke me as a human. I cannot let this "end" ever happen again. I missed an opportunity all these years with a close friend who finally took her life. I was awaken by non stop phone calls from my girlfriends about one of the girls from our group who had died. Thanksgiving week AGAIN! My heart knew she took her life. Instant regret, guilt and shame set in. The thought that I could've done more while I wonder "What more could I have done?" "Why didn't I....? Why didn't SHE....?" Days and days, months and months, years and years of this recurring thought that I could've stopped, with what I know now, but I simply didn't know what I didn't know.
I've decided since, that I don't care how intense I come off. I refuse to stay silent with others ESPECIALLY, if I was concerned about them and their soul. I Love everyone. I don't judge lifestyles. Your soul means more to me than your natural desires. Your desires will always submit to your soul's desires. So I relentlessly work on my soul, in the event a moment comes that I want to check yours. Judge lest ye be judged right? I'm here for it. I'm here for you.
Just know that the end is not the end. It's the beginning of something new. A lot of times they are simple constant changes ; Undetected milestones. Ends should push us to review ourselves, search our hearts and question "who am I meant to be?" And "am I doing everything I can today to become that person whether it scares me or someone else?" I know it's intense to think this way, But Be intense!
Go be that caring friend. You won't regret it if you're generous about it.
Go for that higher position. Godly people are influential people too. Get past the red tape.
Go back to that job you hate. Be the light you were called to be. Someone there needs you.
Go for that hangout. You never know if you'll ever see them again.
Go call that person you're thinking about. You may be the only one who has called them in months outside of an obligation.
Live on purpose. The end is not the end. Its a beginning on your way to eternity where there is no end. Change your mind so God can change your heart.
Romans 12:2 AMP
And do not be conformed to this world [any longer with its superficial values and customs], but be transformed and progressively changed [as you mature spiritually] by the renewing of your mind [focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His plan and purpose for you].